[Book 2] Chapter 135
Knox POV
I headed towards the room, intent on finding Lorelai. She had disappeared from the marquee, claiming that she was feeling a little under the weather. I quietly opened the door and stepped inside, finding her sitting on the bed with Gabriel in her arms, rocking him gently to and fro, a guilty expression on her face. "I couldn't bear to be parted from him any longer" she confessed as I tried not to grin at her "so I snuck in and got him from the nanny."
She bowed her head. I knew she was still suffering from the blues after giving birth. Part of me suspected she had postpartum depression, even though she insisted she was alright and that it would fade. I wasn't taking chances, I had already made an appointment with a therapist for the following Monday, wanting to ensure that she was taken care of and not just our son.
"He's asleep," I said softly as she clutched at him.
"I know" she whispered "I just want to hold him" she added as I sat on the bed, doing my best not to jostle or disturb them.
I spotted Midnight out of the corner of my eye, skittering underneath the bed. I frowned, certain I had seen something shiny in his hand. Great. What had the little rascal stolen now? I made a mental note to check later, knowing by then he would have hidden it god knows where. The little bastard had more hiding places than I could keep count of.
"Sweetheart, are you alright?" I was careful to ask, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.
She was volatile at times. Her mood swings were up and down. I never commented on that though, understanding how hard it must be to deal with me, and knowing that her emotions and hormones were still all over the place.
She sucked in a breath "I don't know if I'm doing a good enough job" she whispered.
What? Lorelai was a wonderful mother. She was selfless, loving, and patient. It was common to have difficulty when you first had a child, wasn't it? I swallowed hard. "Honey, you're doing a fantastic job," I told her honestly "Why would you think otherwise?" She looked at me with tear-filled eyes "Because sometimes I don't know what he wants or needs."
"That's normal," I told her, wrapping an arm around her and our son "Trust me, it will get easier. But don't ever question if you are a good mother, because you are one of the most loving mothers I have ever seen" I told her fiercely "I would never question your ability as a mother."
She blinked and nodded tightly, leaning her head into the crook of my arm. "You're tired," I said, seeing the dark circles under her eyes, the exhaustion she was trying desperately to hide "Why don't you give Gabriel back to the nanny and get some rest?" She hesitated "What about the wedding?"
My eyes narrowed "lan and Dawn will understand. Your rest is important to me and I'm sure a nap will make you feel a little better. I know it won't fix things" I added "but if it makes even a slight difference, I'll take it."
She sighed and I removed my hand as she got up and slowly made her way out of the room. I waited patiently for her to return. I saw Midnight slip out of the room and surmised he was trying to find more bling or shiny things. As long as he stayed out of the nursery, which was practically locked down, it wasn't an issue. Patches regarded the little ferret as a nuisance more than anything and ignored him to my relief.
Lorelai came walking back in yawning. I studied her. Although I had been trying my best to do some of the night feedings and changes, Lorelai was insistent on doing the majority of the work herself and was paying the price for it. I tried hard to remain patient and understanding. She was desperate to be a good mother, perhaps because of her own past and the mother she had been forced to grow up with, but I wished she would let me help her a bit more. I sighed. Maybe it was time to start putting my foot down. I wasn't completely useless even if I was on the spectrum and I did want to help out. I stood up and quietly began to help her with her dress as she looked at me confused.
"You'll be more comfortable without it," I said quietly.
She wordlessly let me remove it. I pulled back the bedcovers and motioned for her to get in the bed. She slowly climbed in. She looked a little shocked as I began to take off my suit, leaving only my boxers on, and then got in beside her. "What about the wedding?" she protested even as she looked at me with an expression of longing.
I raised a brow "Considering what Dawn and lan were just doing not too long ago" I chuckled not wanting to speak it out loud, Lorelai's eyes widening as she caught on "I doubt they are going to say anything. Carina and father are looking after Faith. Besides, I would rather be here, holding you while you go to sleep."
She looked on the verge of tears. I pulled her gently into me, her back against my chest, my arm wrapped protectively around her. I could feel her body slowly beginning to relax.
"I'm going to take some time off from work to help you more," I told her, after considering it "Gabriel's only young and I think you could use the help."NôvelDrama.Org copyrighted © content.
"I can manage" she started but I wasn't going to let her talk me out of it this time.
"No, this way I can spend quality time with you and Gabriel," I said firmly, causing her lower lip to quiver as she looked over her shoulder at me "And when we get more into a routine then I'll look into going back to work, but less hours. I'll discuss this with lan, but I'm sure he'll be in full agreement with me."
She blinked and then burst into tears. I turned her over and clutched her tightly, letting her spill her emotions out.
"I thought I could do this alone" she sobbed "but it's harder than I imagined."
"You're not alone," I told her quietly, "you have me and I want you to need me," I said, wiping her tears away "We're partners in this. We're married" I said, reminding her "You didn't make this baby yourself, why would you think I would make you take care of him yourself? I want to be a father to Gabriel, but you're not letting me" I said with a slight amount of frustration, causing her to look at me in surprise "How can I be a good father if I let you do all the work of raising him?"
I needed her to understand that I was here and I was willing to help. It wasn't just on her. I was her partner, her husband and her equal. We were in this together. For better or worse.
Silence. She shuddered, her tears slowly beginning to dissipate. I could feel her body trembling in my grasp.
"I didn't know you felt like that" she murmured.
"I didn't want to step in and overstep my bounds. But Lorelai, this is exhausting you. Let me take some of the slack" I said, my eyes fixated on her pale complexion and tear-filled eyes "Let me be a husband to you." "Okay" she whispered, looking guiltily at me "I'm sorry, I should be letting you help more" she apologized as I kissed her temple, feeling the softness of her skin beneath my lips.
"Good," I said pleased "even if you have to drag me from the computers, I'm helping. But I'm still taking work off and I've made you an appointment with a therapist. I think you have postpartum depression and I'm concerned about you" I told her honestly as she peered at me "I want you to go and speak with them."
I saw her hesitate and felt my chest tighten. There was such a stigma about mental health. I knew she felt embarrassed by what she defined as her lack of ability to cope, but I saw nothing but a woman who was in danger of having a breakdown because she wouldn't lessen the load on her shoulders and thought she had to do everything. I wanted her to be healthy and happy again. I wanted to see her smile again and hear the sound of her laughter. I wanted her to enjoy spending time with our son. I wanted to see the old Lorelai come back and I knew she did too.
"I'll go," she told me quietly "I think you might be right."
I let out a whoosh of relief and gathered her tightly against me again, feeling her heart beat close to mine. Her hair brushed against my skin and I closed my eyes for a moment, not wanting to move, enjoying the feel of my wife in my arms. I could feel her relax, feel her body begin to droop and I let her turn and put her head on the pillow.
"I love you Knox" she murmured drowsily, as I put my arm back over her, seeing her eyes flutter open and closed "So much. Forever and ever" she vowed with a hitch in her breath.
My heart skipped a beat. Love. Lorelai had no idea how fiercely I loved her or maybe she did. Maybe that's why she said those words. Because she knew the kind of love we had was rare, difficult to find, and the type you held onto with both hands. I couldn't picture my life without her in it and I knew she felt the same. Having Gabriel was just a bump in the road as far as I was concerned.
There was still a lot that we had to do in our future. Travel, have more children, enjoy each other's company. For the first time, I was looking forward to the future and embracing it with open arms. I had a child I adored without question and a wife who brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined. I lightly brushed my lips against her forehead, watching her eyelids flutter again. This woman had turned my world upside down and spun it around, created chaos, and then proceeded to bring order to it. "Lorelai Mathews, aka Lorelai Grant" I whispered into her ear as I settled beside her, my head going onto the pillow and my own eyes beginning to close "I love you, today, tomorrow, and every day since. I promise to cherish you for the rest of our lives" I told her solemnly and thought I heard a small sob before her eyes closed completely and she went to sleep. Life had taught me to expect the unexpected but love, love still had a lot to teach me. I closed my eyes and slept beside my wife, knowing that there would be a lifetime of doing that awaiting me. We had come a long way and I knew that our future would be filled with love, laughter, joy, sadness, grief, and children, lots and lots of children. It was an adventure I was more than willing to go on with the woman of my dreams.